


Broken Boys

by Darth_Rainbow_Queen_Of_Coconuts



Series: Missteps [1]
Category: MCU, Marvel, Marvel Cinematic Universe
Genre: Broken White Boys, Bruce Needs a Hug, Bucky Barnes Feels, Bucky Barnes Needs a Hug, Bucky loves Clint, Bucky loves nicknames, Clint is great y'all are just mean, Hulk is Smart, M/M, No Beta, Superheroes smoke weed and so should you, no beta we die like men, sad men
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-10-20
Updated: 2019-10-20
Packaged: 2020-12-27 05:28:03
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,860
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/21113432
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Darth_Rainbow_Queen_Of_Coconuts/pseuds/Darth_Rainbow_Queen_Of_Coconuts
Summary: They're broken. The both of them. And they're not trying to fix each other. They just remind one another that it's okay to breath when either holds their breath for too long.





	Broken Boys

**Author's Note:**

> Warning : Mention of suicide & use of substance (weed)

Sitting at the edge of the helipad of Stark Tower, Bucky watched his feet dangle. He didn't belong there, did he? The Avengers Tower, as it had been dubbed post-Loki invasion was a bunch of heroes' home. Not his. The Bucky of Steve's memories maybe. But him? No. He was broken, battered, bruised and his soul had been sucked out. There was a shell habited by the ghost of what had once been. Past glory that no longer shone and brought shame to Steve's gaze each time they landed on his best friend. The male inhaled deeply and sighed softly. Bucky wasn't suicidal. He didn't mind to keep going, keep hurting if necessary, his journey through hell was long and painful but he wouldn't give up before his demons did. He' find his way out, demons be damned. "Pass the joint, will you?" He spoke, holding out his hand toward the scientist. Because yes, Bruce was there too. Existing silently and trying just as hard if not harder to fit in.

The good doctor rose an eyebrow. "You can't get high. It'd be a waste." He deadpanned. 

Bucky chuckled. "Come on, Bruce, pal, bro, matey mate, buddy bud, my Brucie bear," Bucky grinned when the other male's nose scrunched up in displeasure at the abundance of nicknames, especially at the last one only used by Tony. "my B squared broken squadron bro." The sergeant tried a personal one. He'd indeed noticed that the both of them's initials were 'BB'. The scientist sighed softly. "Come on Bruce, waste it on me."

The gamma expert drew in a deep breath before looking ahead of them, exhaling toward skyscrapers the smoke would never reach. Futile but satisfying. "Nothing's wasted on you, Barnes. Not a damn thing." He'd said, handing the supersoldier the joint. For some reason, Bruce had made it his personal duty to help the other recover. Steve didn't understand. Sam was too perceptive to give room for Bucky's hesitance. Bruce was patient. Didn't expect anything. Endlessly gave. He soothed without trying to heal. That worked a lot better, Bucky found. He wasn't trying to heal. Just to hurt less. And Bruce was the only one who understood. Clint didn't try to. It was amazing to spend some time with him. Natasha silently assessed everything, more discretely searching for past shadows than Steve but still. She craved. And he hated it. Not being able to give her what she wanted from him. Bruce said he'd given sufficiently anyway. Bruce also said Bucky didn't owe anyone anything. But every time the soldier looked at Tony, he felt like he owed the man a childhood. And he didn't knew where the hell he was supposed to get one. Tony had forgiven. Refused to hate any longer. A much better man than Bucky could ever be. Bruce had laughed aloud the first time Bucky had expressed the thought. And Bucky didn't punch him. Too startled by hearing Bruce's laughter to punch him for mocking his inner thoughts. What kind of alienist, shrink, they were called shrink nowadays, what kind of shrink did that? Bruce later argued that he wasn't that kind of doctor and only did it because he liked the sight of Bucky laying on an armchair. Bucky had blushed. Moment had ended, they'd resumed not-therapy.

"Except your time, maybe." Bucky replied, bringing the wet foil to his mouth and taking a lungful. He artistically blew it out, enjoying the control he had over his own breath. Enjoying Bruce's gauging eyes on him. At first he'd hated it. That sensation of being looked at, analyzed, stripped to bare nakedness. Now it was familiar. And always followed by some reassuring words of some sorts.

"I don't have time to waste." Had to spend every second doing penance, Bucky thought as Bruce finally replied, watching yet another perfectly circular ring of smoke leave Bucky's lips, his own slightly parted.

Bucky blew the rest without with little patience to ask the question that heated his cheeks far more efficiently than weed. "Why are you constantly spending time with me then?"

The scientist's brows furrowed. He held a hand to retrieve the joint in Bucky's hand, the effects of the daze having already faded away due to the Hulk. But Bruce stopped himself when his fingers rested atop of the other male. Instead, he lowered his hand to the supersoldier's wrist, slowly shifting it to give himself access to the joint without having to retrieve it. He pressed his lips against the male's fingers and drew in a deep breath. He then withdrew, facing back toward the skyscrapers as he blew out. No fancy tricks, just a simple, pleasant because measured exhale. Bucky watched the way his lips moved but didn't say a word still, awaiting for a reply. He knew that sometimes Bruce rationalized before he talked. Silence hinted that he didn't knew what to say or was looking for the best way to say what he had to. Bucky didn't like it. Didn't like the way it dragged. As if the answer was complicated or led to an unexpected discovery. Now the supersoldier hadn't expected a straightforward 'Because I love you' or some shit like that. But a 'Because I'm your friend' or 'Because we're alike' would've been great. How could Bruce not know? After so long? "I do." The scientist said, shooting the supersoldier a glance. Bruce could follow his train of thoughts too well now. It was unpleasant. "I do know why." He clarified, for Bucky more than himself, knowing he'd gotten the other male right. That he'd grasped Bucky's psyche just like that. "I just don't want to say. Can't."

Bucky furrowed his brows. "Why?"

The scientist chuckled. "Don't be stupid, Barnes. You're Steve's. You were Natasha's. And you desperately want to be be Tony's." He stated it like those were facts. Simple. Clear cut. It wasn't. "It's not a problem for me. If anything it makes things a lot easier. If you only belonged to yourself and didn't want me..." He furrowed his brows, wringing his hands as he looked past the skyscrapers. "It'd make it harder." He finally admitted, gaze getting lost again. So he'd never been looking at the skyscrapers then? Just away.

Bucky found that he didn't know what to do with that knowledge. Or acutely knew what he shouldn't. "I wanna jump." He admitted. "I wanna jump and blame it all on everybody else for making me who I am." He sighed short but full of relief. "But I don't. Because I know you wouldn't let me." For the first time of the evening, the supersoldier was looking at the skyscrapers too. "Why can't we jump Bruce? Together?" He asked. The scientist's eyes were glued to his figure. Bucky's eyes were twitching, his chin trembling as he ushered words out. He looked eager to die, desperate for solace to stop him from truly ending it all.

"We could jump." Bruce finally said. "We could." He rasped out, seeing Bucky's eyes fall on him. "Just this once. To know how it feels." Bucky readily nodded, leaning toward the other. Each other's lifeline? Definitely not. They fed on each other's darkest urges, greedily taking what they shouldn't from the other. Selfish urges. Selfish needs. Selfish. Selfish. Selfish. But oh so giving and forgiving. Their lips met, deceptively gentle, as the two started to cling onto each other. Bucky was the first to tilt to the side, creating the movement that dragged the both of them over the edge, into the void. They fell, they fell hard and fast. But they also fell slow and unnoticed. Their lips were glued to one another. Bruce was desperate, needy, taking every second and swallowing every moan as he felt himself shift. Bucky was more tranquil, knowing that even when the frame he held would outgrow to hold him, his lips wouldn't budge. It wasn't healthy was it? To love a monster? Good thing he was one too then.

The Hulk grunted when they landed. Bucky distangled himself. "Sad man." The Hulk spoke, rubbing the back of his head as he sat up. "Sad man looks happier but smells sadder." He deadpanned and Bucky had to laugh. How dare Hulk be more perceptive than 7PhDs Banner?

Bucky cupped Hulk's face with his hands. "Sad man only happy to grow sadder." He tried to explain.

Hulk nodded. As if he understood. Bruce knew now, Bucky could tell by the behemoth's gaze on him. "Sad man shouldn't be happy to be sad. Sad man should try to be Less Sad Man if he can't be Happy Man." Bucky nodded, eyes glossy with tears as he wrapped his arms around the Hulk's neck, sensing a shift coming as the large arms that patted his back distanced themselves.

Slowly Bruce returned. It looked painful. Must've felt ten times worse. He blinked, searching for glasses he wouldn't find and Bucky knew he currently didn't need. What Bruce needed was something to do while his thoughts were still too fuzzy to feel himself fully exist. The supersoldier carefully put his hands on top of Bruce's, bringing them to his face. Reverently, he pressed kisses to the palms of soft but dirt covered hands. Bruce had accepted to be the Hulk because he hated himself too. Because the destruction surrounding them was a reminder of his darkest urges. Because he could feel his skin crawls from having his anger confined just in his brain. The serum didn't create the Hulk, Bruce did. Long prior, when his dark urges couldn't fully be embraced as his and he needed a shield for the little innocence he had left. The Hulk was a good alternative personality, all things considered. Didn't have to think as much and he could punch right through his problems. All the things child Bruce couldn't. But wish he could've. Tears pearled in the scientist's eyes. "Why can't we be less sad?" He asked.

"Because we don't deserve to feel less sad." Bucky replied, playing therapist for once. He stated it as a fact. It wasn't. It really wasn't. But for the two of them. It was. It would always be. No matter how many laughters or smiles are shared with others. Being happier would only make them sadder as long as they believe themselves undeserving. It really wasn't healing what they had. Just a pleasant, aware festering nobody else saw. Tomorrow, Bucky would return to Steve, more jovial than ever and perhaps even play the long lost best friend. And Bruce would disappear in some desolated area of the world to give himself a sense of purpose while being unable to sleep at night, left nauseous by all the horrors he saw. But tonight, they didn't have to pretend. So Bucky pressed his lips against a dirty naked fragmented man and that man reciprocated the kiss to a suicidal partially habited shell of a wasted young man.

_These violent delights have violent ends. _

_And in their triumph die, like fire and powder,_

_Which as they kiss consume._

_The sweetest honey._

_Is loathsome in his own deliciousness._

_\--- Romeo & Juliet, William Shakespeare._

**Author's Note:**

> This was oddly cathartic.  
I think I'm starting a collection of broken white boys too. Shuri would definitely love Bruce.
> 
> Bucky tells Bruce B squared is for the initials and 'broken boys' but truth is, he's just lowkey hoping Bruce is bi too. He's wrong. Bruce is pan. Bruce loves all creatures of mankind. He just thinks it's better if he loves from afar. Less chance to destroy what he holds dear.
> 
> post-scriptum : if you see any typos, grammar mistakes let me know ^^


End file.
